Naps
2005-09-12 - 11:20 p.m.

There's something about a warm summer day that awakens latent desires in a young man's heart. For some young men, the sun beaming brightly through the window reminds them of a very bright fish swimming through a very sparse pond. As a result, they frequently dine at Red Lobster. For others, it's warming rays remind them of the beauty of nature, and how they are really just one little part of a marvelous whole. These people are normally high already, so no action is really required from them. For myself, a warm summer day makes me want to do only one thing: take a nice, long nap.

I've taken many different kinds of naps over the years. Naps tend to be oversimplified by the general public into one giant, amorphous mass, “Nap”. To them, a nap is a nap is a nap. However, through extensive research, I've discovered that naps come in many forms, and can be easily studied and divided into categories, much like plants, minerals, or Dennis Rodman's hair colors.

The king of naps is, of course, the ubiquitous “catnap”. This describes a short, univolved nap, presumably in the manner of a cat. Having never seen a cat actusally take a short nap, I can only assume that it is something they do fill the time in between sleeping and eating. There is also the longer “dognap”, which has not gained the same notoriety, primarily because it's name describes both a type of nap and a minor felony.

Another phrase you'll hear a lot of these days is “power nap”. These are short little naps which are hardly worthy of the term “nap” at all. Instead, they bear more resembelance to a very long blink. Power naps are best taken in large groups of ten or more.

My preferred type of nap is the “long nap”. The long nap lacks a bit of the prestige of the aforementioned naps, because it doesn't have such a unique name. Rather than being assigned a whole new word, the long nap is just a common noun saddled with a common adjective, but, oh, what a beautiful compound word they make! Long naps are the naps of the gods, the naps during which you dream of driving a sports car up a volcano while making mad love to the virginal beauty queen from a far off land. If sleeping were a car lot, long naps would be the Rolls Royces, and they would probably include an onboard DVD player.

Another common napping style is what I'd like to term “free-napping”. These are naps without limits. They begin when the nappee wishes, and end in the selfsame way. They can take place anywhere. On a bed, in a plane, at a friend's house, at an auction, a yard sale, a roller-skating competition, anywhere! Impossible, you say? Not for the serious free-napper.

After I wake up from one of these naps, my next course of action is determined by the time of day. If it is early in the morning (for the purposes of this paper, this will entail the hours between 11 am and 2 pm), I will frequently do something active, such as jogging, bike-riding, or watching television while eating Cheetos in my boxers. If it is the early afternoon (2 pm to 7 pm), I will normally pusue more spiritual pursuits, such meditating, reading spiritual literature, or watching Benny Hinn on televison. If it is the evening (8 pm to 12 pm), I normally drink some sort of soda (usually highly caffienated!), and then watch old, silent films until time to go to bed. If I wake up after 12 pm, I generally get up, change into my pajamas, and go to sleep.